Looking back in '08

This morning I woke up very early and as I laid in bed for awhile, I thought of all the things that happened in my life in 2008.

I guess to start off, I realized how much working means to me. I have been working since I was 17 and always thought it was fun (and yes at times it was tiring and tough), but now I see that it is important in my life. Besides the fact that I earn money and make my life with it, the jobs that I held this year is what has helped me. I began the year by working for the America Reads/Counts Tutoring Program which is offered by my college through Financial Aid/Federal Work Study. I got to work at a real Broward County Public School and worked one on one with students with their math. My tutoring job certainly made it clear for me: I am meant to be a teacher no matter what anyone says. When the school year ended, I was out of work for about 2 months. It was great having the time off from school and work, so I took advantage and spent time with my mom. I finally decided my best bet was to work at a preschool and started working where my cousin works in Weston. I worked as a teacher for the 1 year old class called Guppies. It was amazing, I learned so much about taking care of the younger children and had lots of fun doing so. I realized even more the importance of family in a child's life; some kids were attach to their parents, others didn't care/didn't want to go home, and some were just normal about it. I took those lessons plus many others with me, and hope someday when I do become a parent I will apply those lessons. After constantly being called "Mommy" by the kids for two months, it was heart breaking to leave them. School was back in session, and I thought my financial aid had kicked in so I could go back to tutoring. It turns out it didnt, I was stuck unemployed for 4 months...still broke to this day. However, I don't regret it. Looking back, I now know that work makes me who I am as an independent, building my confidence everytime I help a child.

My winter semester at school was horrible. I don't even want to get into that, but looking back I will never let myself become distracted again. This Fall semester turned out better than I expected. My grades are amazing. I am now a year closer to my graduation date for my bachelor's degree in Elementary Education. I am super excited to have my very own classroom soon.

In February, my boyfriend Neal had deployed to Afghanistan. I have to admit, the first month was the worst...it was scary to know things happen out there, and whenever I was lonely and sad or angry he was the first to know about it. Not only my boyfriend, but he's my best friend. I never would have guessed that those 8 1/2 months would be extremely helpful to us in many ways: for our relationship and for our selves. He said I grew more confident but I think maybe it was time for me to bring that old part of me back. I think I lost my confidence when I moved to Florida, but I'm not quite sure. Either way, I'm glad to have him back and we still continue our relationship knowing great things will happen for us. It's almost 3 years now, still very much in love, and like I've always said - Faith is a beautiful thing...you just have to hold on to it even when you're at your worst moment.

I have to mention the support group that has helped me in all this...my sorority DphiE (Delta Phi Epsilon). These girls have truly been there for me, and I mean it. The first part of the year, my sisters helped in every way to make sure I wasn't alone, and always got me to go to events even more than usual. For my birthday, three amazing sisters made sure I wasn't alone and took me out for an incredible night. I became a Rho Gamma (which is a recruitment guide who is not biased) but that didn't stop my girls from making sure that I was still sane. September was a rough month for me, and I won't forget the day the girls came through for me. I appreciate them so much, and still very happy with the wonderful girls that came in this past semester, and of course gained a wonderful Lil. =)

Family wise, it is definitely alot better this year than last. My mom and I found a way to talk to each other without killing each other. I guess reality is finally setting in with her, I'm now 20 years old and will finish school in May 2010. The nest is just about empty. And as the only girl, I have been my mom's sidekick since...forever. We have a strong bond, and I appreciate it so much. In some ways, I want to be like my mom: Strong and confident (but without the craziness lol). As for my father and I, we finally saw each other after two years...twice this year. Although it's still awkward, I try my best to deal with it. I still haven't seen my brother Carlos and his kids, I hope that changes in 2009. My other brother David...wow. He's finally married and with a son (actually, they're here from NY right now, sleeping downstairs). I'm so happy for him, he deserves it. I've always said Family comes first...but soon I have to start making my own life and it will be tough, but I'm so thankful to have them supporting me in every way.

So, thats what I've gotten out of 2008. I hope 2009 turns out even better. My New Year's Resolution...not exactly sure yet. But more than likely, it will have me more confident.

Best wishes to everyone...Happy New Year!...
~*~Stephany~*~...

Currently Listening Insomniac By Enrique Iglesias Somebody's Me see related

Hard to Say It Without Saying It

I don't want to come out say it to the world. But I think by the end of this blog, the world will understand.

How can I tell you how I feel without saying it? How can I put myself out of that position and try to look at you without all those feelings in the way? To take a step down, and wait....

I've always been waiting, still am, and always will. I don't know if I could do that for anyone else but you.

I dream about you, I feel you around me, and you hold my breath....yes you hold it, just like my heart.

I know I am right. In the end, I am. It will be me. I'm the one. But I won't pressure you. Take the time you need...just like the song....somebody hopes that someday you'll see, that somebody is me.

I've always said it, and I will continue to say it....

Faith is a beautiful thing...
~*~Stephany~*~...

Currently Listening Hey There Delilah By Plain White T's see related

Feeling Good After Planning A Surprise

Ahhh......!!!!!!! I FEEL SOOOOO GOOD RIGHT NOW!!!

I spent the whole day today at Neal's mom's house. Wow...I felt right at home there. Even with Neal not around, it feels like he was still in the house, and I'm expecting him to walk out of his room yelling his brother's name out loud. Memories

I think Neal is gonna love what we did. His room needed new paint (like, serious new paint). His old color was hunter green, and it was faded. Well, we went to Lowes and bought Deep Green. Came out BEAUTIFUL. You can actually see the green, not like that old color, it was like almost gray. He'll like this. And we got him a small rug of UM Hurricanes. And a white curtain to cover his window. Ahh, I'm really happy with our accomplishments. I know he'll appreciate it. And soon we're gonna send him a small home-care package with goodies. Any suggestions on that? I'm thinking baked good, favorite candies, and pictures. Thats all I have so far. Any other ideas?

I can't wait til he gets home and checks out his surprise. I know he'll love it and appreciate it.

Yay, so happy...
~*~Stephany~*~...

Two Minds Connected From A Distance

Sometimes I wonder how things work. Maybe I shouldn't think about it too much; God shows its meant to be, and he works in mysterious ways.

I feel so peaceful, happy, loved. It always happens when he calls. Hearing Neal over the phone from so far makes me weak in the knees, makes my heart race faster, and releases the butterflies in my stomach to fly. I fall in love all over again. I always thank God, for keeping him safe and all. I just love him.

Lately I've been thinking about him a lot more than I usually do (and thats all day). I keep having dreams about him. He's been calling a lot lately too. It's as if to say, if I think about him a lot that day, he'll call me that night. I wish. It would make things way easier. But I do feel more connected to him. Kind of like when he first left. I always felt he was nearby, and I don't know why. Do soulmates feel that? Wow, I seriously miss him.

And again, I constantly think ahead and wonder. I try to act that everything is cool, only thinking about stuff now, but my mind is like "Okay, if youre gonna buy something it has to be a 'non gay' color. Youre moving out hopefully soon with him and you cant have too many pink stuff!" I'm constantly worried as to whether or not I'm ready to do my own stuff, if I'll do them right, if it will be good enough for him. Then I realize I'm being stupid like always.

On a side note, my whole family loved Neal's mom. They all met her at the baby shower last saturday. This makes me really happy. I can definitely see her being with all my mom's crazy sisters and it wouldn't be awkward. I see her and her family hanging out with my family. I see all this working out, and I can't wait.

It's been 150 days now. And I believe 164 days(I might be a day or two off) since I last saw him. Yes I do keep count. Someone once asked me why? When he was deployed in Iraq, he would count the weeks, not days. For some reason, I found that counting days doesn't seem to be long, it goes a lot quicker (maybe because of the large number?). I don't know. If I count weeks, my guess is 21, almost 22 full weeks. That still doesnt seem to help me. Meh, whatever works for me right?

All I know is that I miss him. I love him with all that I am, and even more. I know he'll be back soon. Back home safe and sound.

Just wish I could be in his arms again...
~*~Stephany~*~...

Currently Listening Here Without You By 3 Doors Down see related

You Can Always Teach an Old Dog Some New Tricks

So I am trying to figure out this crap that Xanga has added over the past few years (I'm guessing its been 2 years or something, judging on the last few blogs). I don't like it. Not one bit. I like the old xanga. Where I used to look up codes for it, and have Elmo hook it up (or I would and spend hours fixing it). Where I could blog all I wanted, and not one person would yell at me. Where people cared about getting comments on their blogs, and getting eprops (not like the comments on myspace or facebook). Simple. Not too much crap on it like applications. Sometimes we want more, like back then, and suddenly realized that it was much better before, things were simple. So like the title of this blog...teach an old dog some new tricks. I guess I better catch up with this new crap....or just blog and say fuck it to everything else.

I've been meaning to come back and give xanga another try, just like I've been meaning to do everything else in my life. I tried taking out my actual diary and try to write in it, but once I took the book out, it felt so weird. Like I'm not meant to write my feelings in there. So instead I'm doing it online, for the whole damn world to see it. Why? No idea.

So what's been going on in my life? Too many things, but it also feels like nothing. School is good/bad - good as in experience, bad as in grades...normally its the other way around! DphiE is good so far. I'm a Rho Gamma this year, which means I have to hide my sorority identiy for the new girls to decide which sorority they want to be in, and I would help them choose without being biast about it. This is the only place online that says I'm in dphie, and no one reads this crap, so there you go. Catch me Potential New Members! I dare ya!

Work...well, it sucks. But I do love it. It's a hate/love scene. I love children. I love how they explore; sometimes I stop in the middle of lecturing them to get an understanding of their world. But its so much work. Well, preschool is. I want elementary level. Early Childhood is a bit too much for me. The pay I'm getting is technically "good" for teachers in that area, meanwhile people in McDonalds are getting paid only a dollar less than I am. How sad for teachers everywhere. (Yes Melinda, I am continuing your argument here as well.) One day teachers will get paid for what they deserve. More than likely it will not be for my time, but for those in my family who most eventually end up getting a job in the education field, our children will follow in our footsteps, and hopefully for them it will be a better time with better pay for educators everywhere.

Family...is beautiful. I might regret talking about this (because usually when I do, it happens immediately), but my mom and I have had very few fights since December. I think after a major fight between me, my mom and one of my brothers really made us closer. It's funny how they want us to become adults, to take responsibilities and such and when we do, we get yelled at for even trying to do that to begin with. But now things have been different. My brother David married his fiance Natalie in April in Las Vegas (and it was super duper fun, btw. Go ahead and hate. You know you want to). We just threw Natalie and David a baby shower last saturday. They are having a boy. My other brother Carlos is still doing his thing. Not sure when I will be seeing him and his family.

My other half...as I mentioned in my last blog, is deployed...out in Afghan-land as we call it. It's been over 5 months since I last saw him...5 months since he's been in the states...149 days....You have got to be kidding me. I don't know if its been too long, or if time has really flown by quickly.

And this is where the real venting begins:

Everyone knows I've been patiently waiting for Neal to come back safely. Everyone knows he's all that I ever think about. I can't seem to ever go a day without wondering how he's doing over there, where he is, when he's coming home, when I will be back in his arms. And instead of it getting easier because its another day closer to seeing him, it gets harder. All I think about is the future. I dream about it. I dream about him. "Stephany, you're so brave. So strong. I know I couldn't do what you're doing. He's a lucky guy. You must really love him. I give you props for doing what you do, I admire you for it." Yes, this is the kind of support I need. But it doesn't always help. I can't help but feel so proud of him for doing what he is doing. But I also can't help but feel that I am being selfish for my feelings. While I once in a while cry at night, missing him...missing the person who is always there for me through good and bad, I wonder how he's dealing with this himself. Oh my God, when he calls me...its the most wonderful feeling in the world. To hear his voice, the way he chuckles, and I know when he's smiling on the phone...and its so sweet...I fall in love with him all over again in those few minutes. And now I am suffering, just remembering his touch, his scent, his warmth. His absence kills me. And I can't help but wonder if he thinks the same way about me. I know he's always busy, but does he suffer like I do? When he's doing his job, does he wonder what I'm doing? How I feel? What the future could hold for us? When he calls, its as if I was the only person in the world for him. I get lost in his spell, tears can't stop falling right now. Don't get me wrong here. I'm not regreting anything. I'm not saying I can't do this. I'm not saying I'm giving up. I just feel that sometimes I need to cry about it. About missing him. I try to be strong about it. Most of the time I'm fine with him being deployed, I'm used to it by now. But I'm only human, I will cry from time to time, selfishly wishing he was here instead of helping others. SCREW OTHERS! But when I'm not being selfish, I know he's doing the right thing. Doing what he wants, what he is meant to do. Born to do. I'm really proud of him. A little too much maybe, but still. I love him. I just pray that everything will be alright, that things will work for us in the future. Hopefully no more long distance, and finally together like how we're supposed to be. I want to be his forever.

And with listening to "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down over and over and over again, I finished venting on it. I think it helped, although it was rather long. Oh well. You read it. Your fault, not mine.

I think I can finally sleep now. I'll update another time. Whenever I remember, or have something good to write. 

Feels good to be back,

~*~Stephany~*~...